Epic..

Ambalamps

Sheeeeiiiiiiiiiiit

I love the Wire. I am writing a paper for law school right now and somehow it turned into a paper acclaiming this amazing series.

So enlighten us Prosecutor Obonda.

Who is Cary Fukunaga?

Only the hottest young director most snubbed by the Oscars this year. This Asian American (Asian Dad/White Mom, Awe Yeah!) is the director of the best foreign film of 2009 that didn't get nominated for the Oscars. Cary Fukunaga won the 2009 Sundance Film Festival Director's Award with Sin Nombre.

Sin Nombre is basically City of God meets Under Siege II(That's the one on the train right?). There are two story lines. One story chronicles a Honduran family's journey through Mexico as they try to make it to America and the other is about La Mara Salvatrucha, the gang tattoo-face(See above) is a part of.

I was almost stabbed by a tattoo-face once, which may be why I like this movie, keeping it real and all.

I had to do community service for Los Angeles County when I was in college for breaking the law. I got into an altercation with this guy and it went something like this:

Guy: You fat chink.

Me: Smashes guys face

So during my time at community service, I will refer to it as Tree Farm, I was probably the only person there who had ever set foot on a college campus. I was immediately dubbed "College boy" because...I brought a book to read(It wasn't even a textbook, it was A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin and if you haven't read it yet, I suggest you do).

Tree Farm was basically a meeting spot for people to do community service from. Each morning we would arrive at 8:00 am and the men and women would split up into groups. Usually about 50 men and like 4 women(All of whom were they for prostitution, don't women commit any other petty crimes?). As the crew leaders strolled in with vans about an hour later we would each sign up with a crew and he would take us out to perform our community service for the day.

Exactly what you would expect from government employees, they were completely worthless. One guy was actually named Rick James, but looked more like a skinny Hulk Hogan. He had already crashed one of the vans, which is why he was relegated to farm duty. Working for Rick was miserable. One day those of us left at the farm for farm duty had to load a truck with firewood. They gave us a wheelbarrow with a flat tire to transport the firewood. A wheelbarrow has 1 tire, when that tire is flat, it becomes a barrow. Moving a barrow without the wheel is near impossible because there is no way to balance it with a flat tire. Being the College Boy that I was, I suggested since we were moving the wood from one side of the parking lot to the other we should drive the truck across the lot to the wood and load it from there. Rick James freaked the fuck out and asked me if I thought I was smarter than him (of course I fucking did).

There was one guy, Sal, that I loved working for. Sal didn't give a fuck about his government job and spent most of the day on the phone dealing with his landscaping business. Instead of performing community service, most of the time with Sal we'd just run errands for his business and ride in the van.

You've seen people performing community service on television wearing fluorescent vests picking up trash? That was me, except either television is a lie or Los Angeles County is poor as fuck because no one ever had those little trash picker upper things. I actually got laughed at when I was incredulous and asked "We're supposed to pick up trash with our hands?" The response was a box of latex gloves thrown in my face.

So Tree Farm is where I met Tattoo-Face. Tattoo-Face was performing community service for stealing a car and having a loaded gun in his stolen car. He had a great many tattoos, but the most memorable ones for me were the ones on his face. He had two devil horns tattooed on his forehead where devil horns would be if he actually had them. I was there for punching a guy in the face a few times. Tattoo-face was way harder than me. One day while we were performing one of the many great services(today was pond scum cleanup) we do for Los Angeles County Parks, Tattoo-Face and I had a conversation. First, I want to describe this very stupid process of pond scum clean up conducted by the LA County Parks Department, I know the Parks Department was involved because they provided us our "tools", if you could call them that. The tools they gave us were rakes that had empty 2-liter bottles tied to the rakes so they would float. Then some genius decided to tie a rope to the end of the rake handle so they would have a make-shift rake/soda bottle floating grappling hook. The process of pond scum clean up involved throwing the rake as far as you could (Maybe 8 feet) and then pulling in the rope. If you didn't guess, it was rather ineffective.

It was a hot day so I took off my sweatshirt. I was wearing a "Puck Fomona" t-shirt. The shirt is the same principle as "Yuck Fale" or "Huck Farvard" or "Fuck Florida". The shirt referred to Pomona College and not the city of Pomona, I just wished the shirt was more clear on that. As soon as I took off my sweatshirt Tattoo-Face looked at me and said "What the fuck does your shirt say? Essay" I hesitated because I was unsure how to answer the question. I didn't want to offend him and assume he could read so I just repeated what the shirt said "Puck Fomona." He then took off his shirt and he had P-O-M-O-N-A tattooed across the top of his back, assuming that he didn't go to college there, I immediately tried to clarify that my shirt referred to the college and not his fair city of Pomona(Which is actually an armpit). None of this mattered though and he just mad dogged me all day and told me to shut up every time I talked. He treated me like a complete bitch and I took it like a bitch--I just didn't want to get stabbed.

So maybe I wasn't almost stabbed, but then again who's to say he didn't have a knife, you never met Tattoo-Face.

Offense of Marriage Act

What is Female America's fascination with weddings and marriage? I swear half of WE programing is wedding dress shows; Bridezilla, Say Yes! To the Dress, Redneck Wedding, etc.

Don't let them fool you! These shows are only reinforcing gender stereotypes and telling you ladies that you need a man to make you complete and happy. Not only do these shows reinforce gender roles, but they also support and glamorize an institution that is denied to many Americans. The defense of "traditional" marriage is complete bullshit because "tradition" is often racist(homophobic) and bigoted. "Traditionally" Asians and Latins could not be naturalized to become United States citizens, and African-Americans were considered 3/5 of a citizen.

What Would Jesus Do? Suck a cock, according to Sir Elton John.

And while I'm ranting about weddings, please don't keep your wedding picture as your facebook profile picture if you got married in 2003.

Homophobic Ice Skating?

JOHNNY WEIR GOT ROBBED!!!

He skated way better than Daisuke, Patrick Chan, Stephane Lambiel and even Plushenko. Only Lysacek looked better and it makes sense since he just won the gold. The only reason I can think of is that the judges are super homophobic, since Weir is gay as rain. What the fuck sport do they think are judging? It's figure skating, not bear wrestling. Plushenko is so fucking ugly it hurts my face to look at his face. Plushenko was humping the air and doing fake pussy eating (It was probably butthole eating, since it is figure skating afterall). He looked like the Napoleon Dynamite kid in that ice skating movie, utterly ridiculous!

Olympic judging needs to be more transparent, cause its complete Bullshit.

USA!! USA!!

Fuck you Plushenko! You're a fucking shitty loser, shake a guys hand after he fucking dominates you even with all your bullshit shit talk. I want to step on your balls.

And to all the Elvis Stojkos out there, A QUAD DOES NOT AN OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL MAKE.

Five Dollar Foot Longs

I was watching TV and saw Subway's advertisement now offering any sandwich for $5. Their marketing directors should get a bonus because that commercial worked. I put on pants and went outside for the first time in three days. When I arrived at subway I felt my heart sink as I opened the door and saw the snaking line. I immediately got in line, but I was still debating whether I would stay (I wasn't about to stand in the doorway like an idiot trying to decide if it was worth the wait). On the one hand I could be eating the most expensive sandwich Subway has to offer at the mere price of five dollars or I could go home and order take out and not stand in line. The incredible value of the sandwich won me over and I decided that waiting 30 minutes for a $5 sandwich was worth it; however, at the time I didn't know it was going to be 30 minutes. Immediately after I made my decision to stay I looked ahead of me and almost changed my mind, but I already put pants on today.

In front of me in line was a girl who looked like a Mangalore from The Fifth Element (I'd attempt to describe it but French designer Jean-Paul Gaultier does a much better job with his costume design than I could ever do with words). She did have a distinguishing feature that set her apart from the aliens in the movie and it was that she had a patch of hair growing on her neck where her Adam's apple would be if she had one. I was so captivated by this girl that it took me awhile to realize I was in fact standing behind an entire group of mentally handicapped people. At this point I felt like an asshole for thinking this retarded girl looked like an alien from a movie, but she did.

A little bit about my own irrational fears. I'm afraid of retarded people. I'm afraid of homeless people, retarded or crazy (all mentally hilarious) people and poor urban teenagers (Corner Kids). The common thread between these groups is that they are unpredictable and irrational, they don't have the same sort of fear of repercussion that I believe other people have. I know it's ridiculous, but that's why I call them my irrational fears. There was also a point in my life where I was afraid of public restrooms, and it was before the whole Larry Craig incident. I'm simply trying to demonstrate that I am aware of my fears and even the ones that are ridiculous. I once knew a girl who couldn't stand listening to people go to the bathroom and feared that someone would hear her pee so she would run the sink every time she used the bathroom. You would think that this would make it impossible for her to go in public bathrooms, but strangely enough this wasn't a problem because the anonymity of the public bathroom made her comfortable.

So I was awkwardly waiting behind this group of people because I was both embarrassed and ashamed. I was embarrassed that I was afraid of these people and ashamed that they knew it. I wanted to stop staring so I decided to focus on the sandwich making.

However, watching Subway workers make assembly line sandwiches during lunch time rush hour is gross. They line up the bread and put meat and cheese on it and then slide it down the counter. The problem occurs when you want to order a condiment in the back row of trays furthest away from the employee and the result is caused by both the design of the Subway condiments counter and the Subway uniform. Subway employees just wear t-shirts tucked into pants and the shirt will often be baggy so there is a lot of extra material hanging when they bend over to grab a condiment. When there is a perfect storm of condiment ordering and shirt bagginess, then as the Sandwich Artist bends over to grab your olives his shirt will dip right into the mayo and mustard he just squirted onto your sandwich. I had to avoid any condiment that would require the employee to bend over for risk that someone else's mayo might be transferred to my sandwich from his t-shirt. I was pissed that I would only get to enjoy half of what Subway had to offer. I watched as the employee's shirt would fall right on top of each sandwich as he grabbed peppers and then pull up a little bit of mayo each time. The lady at the front of the line, she appeared to be the chaperon of the retarded kids, yelled something towards someone behind me. I wouldn't have even noticed because I was so enthralled by the shirt/sandwich relationship and baffled that no one else said anything even though it was obvious that we were all seeing it, but someone shoved me out of the way much harder than I had been shoved in a long time. It wasn't someone try to squeeze by me or move me over a little bit that I experience daily on subways and at bars, but this was a forceful shove like the person was trying to save a baby and needed to get past me. I was completely off guard and almost started laughing when I saw the little Mangalore girl running past me after almost knocking me over, she was at most 15 years old.

This made me think about the expression “Retard Strength.” And it also supports my fear of retards. Retarded people don't understand the force necessary to move past someone. Normal people understand that when you want to get past someone in a small space that it is a compromise and both people have to move a little. This retarded girl doesn't understand that principle so she just saw me as an object blocking the lady calling her and she needed to move that object(me) out of her way. She didn't gauge how much strength she needed to move, but just shoved me with everything she had. Because of this lack of control or understanding the need for discretion, such as strength required to move someone out of the way, I'm afraid of retarded people.

The sandwich sucked and I may or may not ever eat at Subway again.

I hope all the terrible things in life happen to you and nobody but you...

Patricia White.

You stupid bitch. You gave me an F in tax because you're a cunt. Now I got accepted to the LLM program under the Tax Graduate Program so you can eat two bags of dicks.

A little background on this terrible person. She came to my school for 1 years as a visiting professor and decided to give me an F in a fucking pass/fail course. Now she's the Dean of Miami Law school and she cancelled their incoming 1L class (Class of 2012) because she said it was in their best interest due to the job market. Shouldn't she let those incoming students decide what is in their best interest? Thanks mom.

Basically I transferred into her class, she had no syllabus and knocked me down 20% off my final grade because I didn't turn in two "homework" assignments that I was unaware were worth credit since she didn't have a fucking syllabus. Am I in fucking fourth grade? Homework assignments in law school? The stupid bitch had the audacity to tell me that she could have given me a D, she supposes, but that would have also been a failing grade for a pass/fail class. THATS NOT YOUR FUCKING DECISION, GIVE ME THE FUCKING GRADE I EARNED. If I had received a D instead of an F, I would have gotten credit for the class and I wouldn't be taking a billion credits this year and killing myself.

Her justifications for knocking me off points on the test was that I used tax principles, though correct, that she did not go over in class. Obviously bitch, I was taking the class pass/fail. I'm not going to waste my time on a pass/fail class, thats the purpose of pass/fail. So I read the Tax Examples & Explanations, thats what people do in pass/fail classes(And what I do for all of my classes). That's right, my answers were correct, but I used principles she didn't discuss in class and that gave me a failing grade? In what fucking world do you fail because you got the right answers?

In short, I hope you choke on your Ensure you stupid bitch

Sorry but Fat Chicks will never be the "New Hollywood"

I know a lot of people have taken issue with the fact that Vanity Fair published their "New Hollywood" and it should have been titled "The Whitest Women in America," but nonetheless the Precious girl, Gabourey Sidibe, should not have been included. I've read a lot of people complaining about the lack of color(They couldn't even find a tan white girl?), but they pretty much lose all credibility when they suggest Sidibe. One of these things is not like the others(Hint: Its not skin color). There are plenty of other minority actresses that have much more successful careers and way more star power, not to mention they aren't obese. Zoe Saldana from Avatar, Star Trek, Crossroads (That's right, I saw the Britney Spears movie). Two of which were the biggest movies of 2009. Frieda Pinto is another amazing minority actress that could have been included. She is the beautiful girl from Oscar winning Slumdog Millionaire. Both of these actresses are in the works for other roles as well (Woody Allen movie for my girl Frieda), what the fuck is Sidibe doing? Weight loss commercials?

While I haven't seen the movie Precious and cannot comment on Ms. Sidibe's acting ability, she doesn't have the "look" that we want to see in Hollywood. She's disgustingly fat. What other role is she going to get? Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, remake? The role she played in Precious was very particular and probably not transferable to other movies. How many movies are they going to make involving a fat girl being abused? While I'm sure her performance in Precious was amazing and she will probably win an Oscar, she just will not fit the mold of old or new Hollywood. Until we have shows like "The Biggest Gainer" and Beyonce puts on 300 pounds, Sidibe will always be left out.

On another hilarious fat note, it is now reported that Kevin Smith was NOT FAT ENOUGH and that was why he was kicked off the Southwest flight. Apparently an even fatter guy (Gabourey Sidibe?) had purchased 2 tickets for the flight and they needed to make room for him and Smith just happened to be flying standby so he got the boot. Apparently he issued a challenge to Southwest to bring a seat to the Daily Show and he will sit in the chair and buckle up and if he doesn't fit he will donate 10k to charity. I nominate the Human Fund as his charity of choice.

Ivy League afraid of Yellow Peril

I just read an extremely interesting article that talks about the "Asian Ceiling" at many elite American institutions. Very interesting, and slightly infuriating, since I didn't get into Harvard out of high school. I'm unwilling to accept that I was unqualified, but rather because I was Asian. I dare you to prove me wrong.

Until I get a minimum of 5% Asian airtime and a 20% cap on African-American exposure in the media, I find this "Asian Ceiling" in higher education completely absurd.

Here is the article:

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/editorial_opinion/oped/articles/2010/02/08/do_colleges_redline_asian_americans/

Black and White Idol?

I've been watching American Idol since season 3 and one of the biggest controversies is that the contestants who they don't show much on the pre-top 24 group generally don't fare as well because they haven't developed the following that other contestants have who have had more exposure throughout the auditions and Hollywood week.

This was the first year that American idol sent an Asian guy through to the top 24, but of course there was almost no coverage of John Park throughout the entire show, except for his audition where he made Shania Twain wet.

They have had Asian female contestants in the past, most notably Jasmine Trias, but of course that happens because white guys love to exoticize Asian women - NO WGWAGS!!!!! Just like every year, American Idol this year again had nothing but white and black people with the exception of John Park and a few brown guys. Apparently America is only black and white people with the rest of the minorities marginalized by our media, at least there is the George Lopez show now (Who is terribly unfunny).

While I have to give John Park love, he's not my favorite. My favorite just so happens to be one of the brown guys, Andrew Garcia. Also got to give much love to Andrew because his baby mama is Asian and if you look him up on youtube he rolls with mostly AZNS. Thus, I will commend American Idol for giving him great coverage since I'm giving him honorary AZN status(Yes, I have this authority). Below is his audition, which I think is better than the original, and you can look up his version of Straight Up, which was also amazing.

Defeat the Racism

If any of you watched the Super Bowl I'm sure you saw the commercials about America's debt. If not you can find it on youtube here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rRY5waZ4IbE

In this racist ass commercial they basically vilify China as this evil foreign entity that controls the US government through treasury bills. Well fuck you rednecks cause Japan is AGAIN (China only recent overtook Japan) the largest US T-bills holder so your stupid fucking racist ass commercials are now untrue.

Here is a link if you want to read more about it:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/16/AR2010021601801.html

Basically we need these foreign investments and it is a problem for the government when evil foreign countries like China sell off their T-Bill holdings.

Fuck you Tea Baggers

Jill Biden DDS

Apparently Jill Biden desperately wants to be a dentist because she keeps parading herself around like she's a doctor. Just like every dentist pretends to be a doctor, so does Jill Biden.

HERE IT IS JILL:

Doctor means MEDICAL DOCTOR

I noticed her title, Dr. Jill Biden, during the Olympics when the announcers referred to her as doctor. I immediately looked her up and she has a PhD in Education, thus she's qualified to be a Principal, not a surgeon -- But yeah, Dr. Jill Biden works.

For those of you who are going to defend her, no one calls someone doctor, who is not a medical doctor, unless they request it. Thus, Jill Biden had to have told the media that she wants to be referred to as Doctor. In her hilarious mind, she is a doctor.

It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where the guys wants people to call him Maestro. Granted in Seinfeld he was actually a Maestro, while Jill Biden is no medical doctor -- Not even by Philippines' standards.

I mean, honestly Jill, its not like you are or ever were a professor at Harvard. You taught writing at Delaware Technical & Community College; how good could Delaware TECHNICAL Community college's writing program be? Now you are an adjunct at Northern Virginia Community College. We all know that adjuncts are either full time workers who teach on their spare time, or worthless academics. If you're purely an academic then being an Adjunct is the equivalent of being a contract attorney (Attorneys who just do document review and are hired on a temporary basis). Like a contract attorney who will never be on track to be partner; an adjunct professor will never receive tenure. Therefore, her doctorate is based on her PhD which qualifies her to be a professor, but she can't even teach at a prestigious institution or have a tenure track position. Some fucking doctor.

Dr. Jill Biden's justification was she was tired of being called Mrs. Biden or Mrs. Senator Biden. What a stupid fucking justification. Maybe she went to the same school as Dr. Dre.

I've decided that after May I want to be referred to as Doctor as well. I will be receiving a JD (Juris Doctor) and thus just as qualified to be called a doctor as Dr. Jill Biden.

I wouldn't even let her clean my teeth.

Good job TQ for giving yourself your own nickaname, TQ. At least you're in good company with creating fictitious titles.

Olympics! You hosers!

Watching these Olympics makes me love Canada. They put a spoken word guy on a pedestal who looked exactly like what a spoken word guy would look like - He was fat, wore a newsboy hat, looked like he hadn't showered or shaved in weeks, one word - perfect. Where the hell did they find those Indians to literally dance for the entire 5 hour opening ceremony? Not only did those Indians dance for so long, but they obviously made their own costumes. None of the costumes matched, were of ridiculous colors, and looked obviously home made. And then when they try to light the torch with 4 people, only 3 of the torch lighting pillars came up. Last night, they had issues for their long speed skating track because they couldn't get the ice proper for skating. But amidst all of this chaos, no one was executed. You think the guy who coordinated the final torch lighting ceremony in China would be alive if he fucked up? I'm sure the Canadian guy didn't even lose his job. Did I forget to mention that someone also died on one of their courses? How can you not love Canada, land of the Marijuana political party.

Go Go Johnny Weir!!

All of the animal rights nuts need to lay the fuck off. He wears fur. So the fuck what? I eat rabbit. What the fuck are you supposed to do with rabbit fur after you eat the rabbit? If animals are raised for food, why not for apparel? Is fur so different than leather?

Palin Vice-Presidency...Retarded by Obama

One word aptly describes Sarah Palin--Retarded.

Retards of America UNITE! You now have a public figure to rally around, the problem is...Retards are retarded.

I decided to do a little research and here are the Medical definitions:

Main Entry: re·tard Pronunciation: ri-'tärd Function: transitive verb : to slow up especially by preventing or hindering advance or development

Main Entry: re·tard·ed Pronunciation: ri-'tärd-&d Function: adjective : slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development :characterized by mental retardation

Therefore the use of the word "retarded" is correct if used to describe something or someone that is developmentally RETARDED.

So here is the beef I have with Palin. She states that Rahm Emanuel should be fired for stating that liberal democrats are "Fucking Retarded." Well, democrats fighting democrats in a very very partisan Congress is...well...Fucking Retarded. But to spin it in a way to support Rahm, democrats fighting each other will developmentally retard any democrat legislation. Thus, he was using it in a correct way, even if it was unintentional. Here is where Palin demonstrates her ignorance and it makes me want to punch her in her stupid face.

“Just as we’d be appalled if any public figure of Rahm’s stature ever used the “N-word” or other such inappropriate language..." Basically, Palin is saying that minorities, such as African-Americans, are the equivalent of retards. The big point she misses is that mental RETARDATION is a genetic defect; my ethnicity is not.

The most recent Family Guy episode obviously makes fun of Palin and down syndrome, but for fucks sake its Family Guy. Who takes Family Guy seriously and gets offended by the show? Bristol Palin wrote a response on her mom's facebook, but honestly, keep your fucking legs closed if you are going to advocate for family values. Are we really going to be lectured by some bitch who would be a perfect candidate for MTV's "16 and Pregnant" or "Teen Mom".

Yet when Rush Limbaugh actually called retards--retards, she only released a statement that called it crude.

Palin defends Limbaugh because she claims he's using "retard" as satire. WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY GUY IF NOT SATIRE? HARD NEWS?

Hypocritical a little? I guess it goes along with her taking jabs at Obama for using a teleprompter in her tea bag speech. Then again, maybe all the Hypocrites and the parents who love them would be offended if we went around calling hypocrites--hypocrites.

Beyond all of this, she is the stupidest fucking person to run for office. When giving her speech to a Tea Bagger convention she had to read notes off of her hand. Are we in 10th grade English class? Except in 10th grade English, I had to learn Hamlets soliloquy, Palin on the other hand (GET IT?) had the following words: "energy", "budget cuts(Though budget was crossed out and 'tax' written underneath)", and "Lift American Spirits". What the fuck? She can't remember her own talking points that are her key issues and priorities? Next time I go in for a job interview I will create my own cheat sheet comprised of the following words written on my hand: "Team player", "Self-motivated", "Went to a four-year college--not on the internet".